Discussions

My friend has breast cancer, and I am tring to do what I can to help. I have a full time job, home, and children, and she is angry with me that I have not been there for her as much as she thinks I should be. I love her and want to help her, but she has to understand that I still have my life to take care of as well. I can understand her anger, but it is getting harder to be patient with her when she lashes out at me for not doing enough. What should i do? 

 Zannie:

You are doing exactly what you need to do.  You are there for her as much as you physically can be.  Please don't take the "lashing out" at you offensively.  Your friend is going through a very tough time and she is angry that she has cancer; she is not angry at you. 

Trust me, there were times that I was so angry that I had cancer that I wouldn't have wanted to be my friend.  I am thankful for the support of my family. 

Just let your friend know you are here.  Do what you can for her and don't feel guilty for not doing more.  If your friendship is as strong as you say it is then she will understand.  Call her when you can.  Just reassure her that you are there for her.  She is lucky to have a devoted friend like you.

sheri lee

Dear Zannie, Sheri Lee gave you very good advice, you are doing all you can. Please don't let this woman put you on a guilt trip. I hate to hear she is so angry, I never felt that way..I guess because my faith is so strong. Just do what you can, and hope for the best.

Cajun Lady 

 Dear Zannie:

It can be difficult to deal with but please don't turn your back on her even through the anger.  I, too, have these angry moments when I am angry even at my dog who looks at me with those sweet loving eyes at me.  Be there for her when you can, tell her how much she means to you.  You have your own life but even if you only call her, do it so she can feel your love towards her.  I am in a similar situation but it is with my sister who hasn't spoken to me since January 2009.  If my sister cares she is showing me in a weird way and she is my only sister so I can't go elsewhere for comfort and understanding.

It is very hard for the cancer patient to deal with their emotions, and in my case I feel that this site is the only thing I have that understands how I feel, whether its sad or angry or any other emotion.

She is probably scared and demands you be there constantly for her.  This is impossible but do understand that she has been through alot and her emotions are up and down at random moments of the day or week.  Talk with her and let her know you care.

Zena

 *Yes Jesus!*  There's some Powerful Women(Angels) on this site!!!

It can be so hard to see someone struggle through this horrible disease.  My best friend was diagnosed late last summer and I've seen her go through so much.  She has good days and bad days, unfortunately more of the latter lately.  Whatever has come along, I think it has helped her to know that I love her, that she is not alone, and that I'm with her every step of the way.  In spite of everything else practical we could do, that's really all we can do for our friends, isn't it? 

It might also be helpful for you to ask your friend what she might need from you, how you could be helpful to her.  Practical things (e.g. meals, help with housework, running errands, etc), emotional things, as specific as possible (although she might not even know or be able to articulate them).  Then see what you can do or help find mutual friends/acquaintances who could also join the team, so to speak.  Isolation is not good for her and you can't be the sole source of support.

Your friend might be clinically depressed.  Irritation is one of the symptoms.  If this persists more often than not for several weeks, it might be worth a conversation with the doctor about beginning an anti-depressant.  Also, if your friend can tolerate physical activity, moderate physical activity that can be as helpful for some people with a depressed mood as an anti-depressant.

Hang in there, try not to take it too personally.  Maybe thinking of it in terms of that's the cancer frustration and weariness talking, not your friend.  Also, make time to take care of yourself.  It sounds like you have a pretty full plate and you're no good to anyone unless you take care of yourself.  You're a good friend and it's OK to set boundaries and limits.

Take care.

Zannie, another thing I would suggest is to tell your friend about this site. We would be happy to help take the stress off of you and help your friend as much as we can. It might do her some good to talk to women who are going through the same thing that she is.

 Zanie, what an angel you are!! I agree with Trojangirl to have your friend look at this website.  It is not right for her to treat you that way, she should realize you do have a life to. 

Be frank and honest with her that you are doing the best you can.  Also let her know she is angry and perhaps she should talk with her doctor about it.  I don't know what procedure she is doing now: radiation, chemo. I am praying that your friendship is strong enough that you can communicate the above to her.

She is very lucky to have a friend like you!  Yes, you are an Angel.

Blessings,

Crismatic