Discussions

Hello Ladies,

What i am about to ask for really has nothing to do with breast cancer, but has to do with 16 year old niece, some words of advice will be so greatful right about now and i am gonna explain why. please bear with me if i seem alittle long winded i feel so helpless for her right about now.

today my sister called me to let me know my niece was not feeling good and wanted to stay home from school. no problem, but when she went to see who was calling on her phone she noticed a letter written from her daughter that she left, she didn't want her mom to be alarmed but was gonna step out to get her thoughts together that she has been having some suicidal thoughts. about a month ago somethings came up at her high school varisty basketball game, her coach announced that some of the girls on the team are gay, and that this seems to be interfearing in the way they play, well my niece is one of these girls, she told a friend that she thought was pretty loyal, well think again because the coach was directing toward my niece. the coaches husband got himself involved with all of this and after one of their games he let the girls have it because they had lost the game that was gonna take them to championship. sense then the coach told her she was no longer on the team because her personal life was to involved with the game.her mom did complain with the super intendent of the schol district and made it a formal complaint.

now, last year in july she had lost her her aunt [not my sister], she was only 27 and was battleing kidney cancer,she was stage 4 and had took over her whole body, it was hard on all of us especially my niece, she is very close to this aunt and to me, then in december i come around informing her mother that i have to battle breast cancer. between this and her schooling i think my poor niece is confused and can't find the right answers she is looking for her mother is the best mom ever always there for kids she is so hurt by all of this and herself is confused about what she can do to help her daughter, i know some of you wonderful ladies out there can offer me advice on how we can go about getting her some help, she is affraid o opening up to anyone else for fear they my look at her like her coach did, she was close to her coach befor all of this too, she seems like she has disappointed everyone and the truth is she hasn't we love her so much and hate seeing her hurt so badly, so please, keep us in your prayers i thank all of you for hearing me out, thanks ...........lisa 

 I will keep you both in my prayers.. I wish I had words of wisdom. It is deep the hurt we have when we hurt over a loved one. I pray you can find answers. Please keep an eye on her. the sucide is a serious thing not to be taken lightly.. deb

 I have you in my thoughts and prayers.  That is a serious worry and situation.  Keep in touch w/ her and call as much as you can maybe try to make her feel you need her chats and laughter more than ever.  Make her feel special and wanted.  I hope her family does the same and keep watching for the negative signs.  Reach out to her and help her family to also.  I had a relative who did take her life and if we only could have reached out more or known more.  It is very hard to deal with.  Angels to all of you.

jillj

Hi Lisa , well...... the first thing I would do, is have a talk with this so called coach and the but-in husband, and believe me it would not be pretty. Then I would go above the supertendent's head and we would all have a reallllllllllllllllllly good talk, in my case there would probably be slapping involved!!! More importantly is to get get your neice into some kind of counseling. This is very serious, there is no telling what this poor girl might do. She has done nothing wrong, and on top of everything else she is grieving for her aunt and affraid she will lose you too. That's a lot for a teenager to handle. The one thing I didn't get from your letter, is if she is gay or not. But if she is that is discrimination. Ooh I would kill that coach, and her husband!!! Please Lisa try to get her some help. I would not go with a school counselor, maybe her family clergy or a good therapist. Good luck hun,and please keep us posted, we will pray for her and your family.

Cajun Lady

 thank you ladies for kind thoughtful words, i just spoke to my older niece [her sister] they found her she returned back home and mom was embracing her and talking to her, i will find out more later, i'm just thankful she came back, kids do put a huge scare on us with so much that goes on now in toda's socity it is frightning!

cajunlady....to answer your question on my niece being gay is she told us she is unsure if she is or not, she likes both girls and boys, i told she's not gay she's bi and there is nothing wrong with any of that ya know?....her mother and i are interracialy married, if pepole have a problem with this then they have issues they can only resolve on their own. my thing is life is to short to be so worried about what one is, i wish pepole can learn to except some of us the way we are but i have been told if the world was like that it would be boring,i have my own thoughts about that, as far as her coaces go belive me we have been trying our hardest to keep from slapping the hell out of him and his ife, excuse my expresion but all the pain and frustration i am holding on to to i would love to release it out on those two inconsiderate humanbeings! so for now i am gonna go take some deep breaths and will keep all posted .....thank you ladies so much for caring....great big hug for all of you.....lisa

Dear Lisa, I'm glad she is home and she is ok. I agree with you about people being so narrow minded, I don't care if you are straight or gay, black or white, if you are happy, then the hell with the rest of the world. I hope I didn't offend you by asking if she was gay, it sounded like she was the way you worded it, but I just wanted to make it clear that if she was, it should not be held against her. She's in trouble mentally and these so called teachers are not helping the matter. I hope every thing turns out ok. Please keep in touch and let us know if she is ok.

Cajun Lady 

 Dear Lisa,

My prayers are with you and your family. I have a few suggestions besides beating the crap out of her coach and the husband. She's already lost one aunt, and is afraid of losing you too. One thing I would do is make her very involved in what you are going through. Make her pro-active in everything, helping you in any way you can think of. Make her feel indispensible to you and your recovery. The more needed she feels, the better she'll feel about herself, and she'll feel like she's really helping you in your recovery. Take her with you to your doctor visits. She probably has questions herself that she may be afraid to ask you.

And I would lay a few threats on the superintendent of the school district. I'd tell him/her that if disciplinary action isn't taken against the coach, that your family will consider bringing a lawsuit against the teacher, the school, and the district. What they did was absolutely unforgiveable, and there should be consequences so it doesn't happen again. Whatever your neice's sexual orientation is is no one's business but her own. And I'm sure it doesn't affect her playing any more than any other hormonal 16 year old on the team. And kicking her off the team for that is not only morally and ethically wrong, its probaby illegal too.

Anyway, my prayers are with all of you. Make your neice feel as included and needed as possible, and keep her busy. I know you are already  making her feel as loved as possible.

Robin

 just want to say a quick thank you to all who responded to me and the prayers that are going out....my niece is home safe and is doing ok, her mom is taking sometime out to be with her and is going to be seeking some professional counseling for her daughter, in time i told her mom to let her know i'm thinking of her and to hang in there for my sake i need someone to hold my hand when i go through this whirlwind of chemo treatments and i know she would be my best supporter to do just that....once again thanks for all the blessings.........lisa

The most important advice I can give you is to take her for counseling.  Encourage your niece to speak to you and share with you what is upsetting to her.  Be there, call and definitely watch her because this suicide thing is no joke.  I have a 12 year old granddaughter going through some heavy stuff and she seems very mature and understanding yet she tells me things when they bother her.  She has learned to trust me and confide in me and that's very important to gain their trust and confidence.  I pray all goes well.  Growing up is difficult sometimes for these young ones.  Just be there for her and tell her you love her constantly no matter what happens.

Wishing you all the best and take good care of that niece.

Zena

 Lisa,

I hope things are doing better with your niece!!!  I agree with alot of the ladies and this situation with the coach should have never happened! My suggestion is ask your niece how she wants to handle what happened with the coach! Sometimes as parents and in your case Aunt we want to jump in and beat the crap out of anyone that harms our children.  As a mother of a 16 year old my self...there have been quite a few times I wanted to go to the school and yell scream and slap some people around.  But my daughter felt that would make things worse for her!  So its a delicate balance here....unfortunately kids in school now days are so focused on who is gay, bi and emo, all the different terms for everything...and its a confusing time for them! I agree your neice needs counseling to help guide her through, also she needs to be a physical part of your treatment, to feel so has some control of what is going on around her!!!  She also needs her space when she feels she needs it, but at home and with the knowledge she is loved and in a postive way.  Suicide is permanent, as adults we know this, as children its simply a way out and they live in a momemnt to moment existence.  Hope this helped in some way!!!!  My prayers are with you all!

Lisa,

Hope this posting finds both you and your niece well.  Adolescence is a confusing time, particularly for those who are (or are perceived to be) different from their peers.  Please take her mention of suicide very seriously!  Gay/***/bisexual/transgendered teens and young adults suffer from depression and attempt suicide more often than their straight peers.  Please encourage her parents to take her in for counseling.  If they do not have insurance, there may be a community mental health facility that can provide services on a sliding fee scale or she may qualify for med coupons under the SCHIP provision.  Each state varies.  Your family should request someone who specializes in treating adolescents and is familiar with GLBT issues.  All mental health counselors are not created equal, she requires this specialty.  Depending on the size of the community there may be a local non profit or support group for teens and young adults who are exploring issues related to sexual orientation.  It may also be helpful for her parents or you to ask your niece directly about whether or not she is feeling suicidal.  It is a common myth that people get the idea about suicide when people ask them about whether or not they are thinking of it; you will not plant that seed in her mind by asking and can save her life if she is suicidal.  If she says she is, please get her emergency mental health services immediately.

Please keep us posted on both of you!

 thank you to all you wonderful ladies and your heartfelt input on my niece. she and her mother are going to therapy and things seem to be alot better for the time being. as far the coaches go they did get delt with by her parents and other school officals they all gathered and had a meeting over it all and matters somewhat was resolved. once again thank you all so much you have been a huge help in this matter....

god bless, lisa